What do your kids do that drive you crazy?

Are there times when their behavior bothers you more than others? Are there times when your kids just seem more annoying?

Why?

As parents we are more likely to react to our children’s misbehavior when we are feeling stressed, tired, in a rush or there is something emotional going on. Under these circumstances, our children’s normal behavior can become a major irritant.

In order to change your reaction as a parent, you have to first understand why children do the things they do. All behavior has a purpose and is a form of communication.

Think about it. Can your two-year-old come up to you and say, “Hey, Mom, I’m feeling a little disenfranchised today. Can we find a way for me to have more appropriate power?”

No. Of course not. A two-year-old who feels powerless is more likely to throw themselves down in the middle of a crowded grocery store aisle and loudly proclaim their deep need for marshmallows to the whole world while you cringe at their side.

Or refuse to go to bed.

Or eat their peas.

Or go pee-pee in the potty.

(Parenting Quick Tip: You can’t make a child, eat, pee, poop or sleep no matter how hard you try.)

All behavior has a purpose. All misbehavior is a form of communication. Everyone, including parents and children has certain basic needs that they have to get met:

1. They need to feel free.
2. They need to feel loved.
3. They need to pursue joy.
4. They need to experiment and explore so that they can grow.

When children have these needs appropriately met (according to developmental ages and stages) they will develop healthy self-esteem and feel self-empowered. You can teach children how to get their needs met appropriately. It takes about 18 years! Which is why parenting with a long-term strategy is crucial for long-term success as a parent.

In my parenting class, The Empowered Family Training, I encourage parents to have a long-term vision for their parenting journey and to address all parenting situations with the long-term goal in mind.

What skills and values do you want your child to have as an adult?

It is very easy to parent in the short run. But sometimes we short-change our children key learning experiences when we do not parent with the long-term goal in mind.

Long-term parenting can look messy, especially to in-laws, but the pay-off is healthy, empowered teenagers who can make good, clear decisions and who are peer-pressure resistant.

Pretty good payoff, eh?

Here is good example. We are currently in election season. My neighbor down the street, who is pretty conservative politically, has a teenage son who has a large “Kinky Friedman For Governor” election sign posted in his bedroom window. Now this sign makes my neighbor’s toes curl.

I asked him the other day why he let his son post the sign in his window. He replied that he wanted his son to be accepted for who he is and to feel supported in expressing himself, even if it was different from his family’s values.

Yes, in the short run it would have been easier to forbid his son to post the sign. But, in the long run, think about what his son is learning!

No wonder we sometimes feel crazy!

WHAT YOU CAN DO TO MAINTAIN YOUR SANITY

1. Take Care Of Yourself.

You have to take care of yourself first to be a good parent. If you are exhausted, burned-out, tired, hungry, stressed, depresses or you’ve just been cooped up in the house watching Barney re-runs for days on end, you won’t have the reserves to be the patient, long-term parent that you want to be.

For more information, read my article on EFT and Self Care.

2. Model Self-Control

Your children watch you like a hawk. You can not tell your children one thing and do another or else you will be training them to be liars. If you want your children to have self-control, you have to show them what it looks like!

That means you need to speak softly, follow through on your word, listen to your children and treat them respectfully, take a break if you are losing control, use EFT, eat a healthy, balanced diet, don’t watch too much TV, only date good people who take care of you, have a healthy marriage, be honest….

You get the point.

3. Use Actions and Not Words

Your children are watching you like a hawk. They are also listening to you carefully if they know you walk your talk. If you threaten to take away a toy and then don’t follow through, you are training your children to not listen to your words.

Using too many words causes kids to become parent deaf.

If you mean what you say and follow up with action immediately, you might have some tears the first few times but ultimately, you will have obedient children who will listen to you the first time you say something.

Doesn’t that sound good?

4. Speak The Way You Want To Be Spoken To

Your children are watching you like a hawk. (Get the point?) If you want to be spoken to respectfully, then talk to your children respectfully. If you want to deal with conflict in a calm and appropriate way, then deal with conflict in appropriate and calm way.

Use a tone of voice that is sincere and conveys the message that what your children have to say to you is important and you want to hear them.

And just think about this for a minute. How effective is it when we go raging into the parenting arena yelling and screaming? It’s kind of like adding gasoline to a fire, isn’t it? Imagine how different your interactions would be if you spoke calmly.

And then followed through with action.

5. Ask For The Behavior You Want

Have you ever asked your kids to stop jumping on the bed?

What happened?

Did it seem to you like all they heard was “Jump on the bed! Jump on the bed!”?

The brain of a child can not physiologically process a negative. When you say “don’t” to a child, all they hear is whatever you tell them not to do.

It you really want your children to hear you and obey you then you must tell them what to do instead of what NOT to do.

For example,

“Keep your feet on the floor.”
“Get off the bed!”
“Keep your hands to yourself!”
“Keep your food on your plate, on your fork or in your mouth.”

6. Get On Your Kids Eye Level

Try this. Lie down on your back on the ground and have an adult friend stand over you and start to yell at you.

How small do you feel?

How powerful do you feel?

This is how we make children feel when we tower over them and yell or discipline them. Our sheer size is a powerful force and creates distance between us and our children.

Always get on your child’s eye level when you are communicating something important to them. Never yell at your kid from on high!

If you don’t want to get down on their level, bring them up to yours. Sit them on a counter top or sit down at a table together.

Eye contact confers caring and respect. Remember, your children are watching you like a hawks!

7. Detach With Love

When I tell parents to detach, they often think I am telling them to not care. Detachment is parenting without getting caught up in the drama of the emotions of the situation and without getting overly involved in your child’s issues.

Especially if they are similar to your own issues.

Detachment means being staying calm and being okay if your child is pitching a fit about leaving a friends house. And leaving anyway.

Detaching is leaving the house on time for school, even if your child is still in their pajamas. They’ll only do it once. Next time they will be ready on time.

Detachment is healthy and empowering. When you are detached you can help your child find creative solutions to problems and empower them to handle them themselves.

How much more effective are we as parents when we are assured and confident that our children will find powerful and creative ways to solve their own problems?

When we stay out of the emotional drama, we set ourselves up as resources for our children and the channels of communication stay open and honest. Your children are no longer afraid of your reaction.

And don’t you want your children to come to you as a resource?

These are just a few quick tips to help you keep your sanity when you’re at the end of your parenting rope.

Starting on Tuesday, October 17 – December 5, I will be teaching an Empowered Family Training Telecourse from 12:00-2:00 p.m. Central Time Zone. During this 8-week teleclass you will:

1. Feel confident about your parenting skills
2. Know how to understand your child’s misbehavior
3. Learn how to prevent misbehavior
4. Learn how to manage sibling issues
5. Learn how to really listen to your child
6. Learn how to parent for high self-esteem
7. Have fun together as a family
8. Learn how to raise an internally motivated child
9. Learn how to “peer-pressure proof” your child
10. Develop a deep understand of who your child really is
11. Learn how to effectively discipline your child without tearing the fabric of your relationship
12. Learn how to stay in touch with your teen
13. Understand child development and normal behavior
14. Learn how to handle intense emotional issues with grace and calmness
15. Remember how to play
16. Discover your real family values and how to keep them alive in your family
17. Learn how to parent without guilt
18. Learn how to effectively co-parent with your partner, even if you are divorced
19. Embrace parenting as a spiritual journey
20. Understand how you and your children interact based on your unique Human Design
21. Master win/win conflict resolution
22. Learn the importance of self-care for parents
23. Feel excited about being a parent again
24. Learn how to have fun family meetings
25. Get your kids to cheerfully do their fair share around the house….without yelling, screaming and begging!

Tuition is $333.00, but if you register before Friday, October 15, 2006 you will receive a special discount only for Empowered Family News subscribers. Just call Chris, 612-799-3247 and tell her you read about the discounted tuition of $278.00 and you want to enroll today. Seats are limited.

I look forward to listening to your success stories!

Love,
Karen