I watched a father discipline his daughter at the swimming pool last Sunday. Okay, I admit it, I was spying on him while contemplating the density of the e.coli population in the murky depths of the green public pool that had obviously been peed in one to many times.

From what I could gather, the little girl, named Sheri, had not shared her “swim noodle" with another little girl named Allison. And, according to Allison, who had shared her troubles with her mother and Sheri’s father, Sheri had yelled at Allison.

So, as a good parent, Sheri’s father decided to put everything into perspective. First he scowled at Sheri from across the pool, shook his finger at her and yelled at her to “come here”. Sheri ducked her head down and slowly floated on the much-coveted “noodle” towards her father, who, in the meantime, had crouched down and was impatiently awaiting the arrival of his daughter at the edge of the pool.

Before she was all the way to the edge, Sheri’s father reached out, grabbed the noodle and dragged her into disciplining range. With his head tucked down and the volume of his voice carefully controlled, this father proceed to tell Sheri that NOT sharing is “not nice” and that we don’t talk “ugly” in this family.

Sheri tried in vain to explain that Allison was trying to steal her “noodle” and that she never even asked for a turn but the father kept getting louder and louder saying, “we just don’t talk ugly to people, it’s not nice, it’s mean, we use nice voices, we use nice words and WE DON’T YELL AT OTHER PEOPLE!”

Now this man was yelling so loud that the e.coli in the pool all got out to find a good hamburger to live in. I watched Sheri screw up her courage and begin to yell back, “I wasn’t ugly, Daddy, she was STEALING my noodle” at her dad. Dad then hauled her out of the pool telling her, “DON’T YELL AT ME”

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out where Sheri learned to yell at her dad. I have always taught that modeling appropriate behavior for children is the best way to teach them how to act. If you want to be respected, then treat your children respectfully. If you want your children to handle conflict peacefully, then you better not have a loud, knock down, drag out fight with your husband (at least not in front of the kids). If you want your children to pick up, then you better put your own things away as soon as you walk in the door.

I know, as a mother myself, this is not always an easy thing to do. My kids are Lego nuts. Like a great mystic crossing hot coals blind-folded, I have learned to traverse my living room immune to the sharp pains of little plastic squares poking my feet. Yes, I have screamed and yelled for them to pick those darn things up many times. I have even threatened to take the Legos away. But, they just love to build so much. Plus, it is a quiet activity, the kind of activity I like to endorse as a parent.

In truth, I know that the real reason they don’t pick up their toys is because I don’t pick up my own toys. The books I ordered from Amazon, that arrived two days ago, are still sitting on the bar in my kitchen. My shoes are in the entranceway where I kicked them off yesterday. I am a pile-maker. My office is covered in stacks of papers. So, realistically how can I expect them to put their stuff away without me modeling it?

We have to practice “do as I do” with our children in order for them to know what the behavior we expect looks like. We also have to model “be as I am” in order for our children to feel joyful, have high self-esteem and ultimately make good choices for themselves and their lives.

As parents, we model “be as I am” every time we express ourselves with our children. If I am standing in front of the mirror, complaining about my big thighs or my daughter witnesses me asking my husband if a dress makes me look “fat”, then I am modeling I don’t feel good about my body. If I model this kind of low self-image, then how will my daughter learn what it looks like to have a high self-image?

How we feel about ourselves is reflected in the language we use and the actions we take. How many times have you said out loud, “I can’t believe I just did that. I am so stupid.”? Children have to SEE high self-esteem in action in order to know high self-esteem themselves.

Pretty scary, huh?

In my coaching practice, I teach parents to use The Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) to help them transform limiting beliefs about themselves so that they can model joy and high self-esteem for their child. Most of us have lots of negative self-thoughts about our abilities and ourselves. EFT helps us clear the negativity so that we can model truly loving ourselves for our children.

EFT also helps you in those intense parenting moments when maintaining self-control feels impossible. With EFT parents can get themselves calm and effectively guide their children’s behavior so that discipline becomes a powerful learning tool instead of random punishment.

I encourage all of you to examine what you are modeling for your children. What are you “being” in front of them? What are you “doing” that you wouldn’t want them to copy? One of the true gifts of parenthood is that children DEMAND consistency and integrity from you. If you are not practicing what you preach, I guarantee that some day, those little bundles of joy will point it out to you (hopefully not in public!).

Love,

Karen