Hi!

Many, many thanks to all the kind and wonderful people in Minnesota who kept my heart and body warm during my visit! Minnesota truly is the Heartland! Not only was I pleasantly warm and toasty the whole time I was there, I also learned new words like "snirt", which is a combination of "snow" and "dirt". We don't have that here in the desert of Sedona.

I have been spending a lot of time in bed lately. Mostly because I have been feeling a little under the weather. And partly because I am remembering that it can be fun to create from your bed.

I have a client who reminded me of the joy of creating from bed. She takes one day a month to have what she calls a "gown day", a day when she spends the whole day just hanging out in her pajamas. What a great idea! How many of us can take this kind of time for ourselves without guilt or pressure?


MIDLIFE CRISIS?
Most of my clients are in the mid 40's to 50's. Many of them are facing what we call "midlife crisis". We have such a funny notion of midlife. As a culture we have visions of men buying fast cars and women taking lots of Valium. We tend to think of midlife as the time when we long for something from our childhood or seek to live out dreams that have been lost to us for a long time.

This is not the experience of midlife that most of my clients are facing. Frankly, I don't have many clients who want to recreate their childhood, or even buy fast cars. Most of my middle-aged clients are longing for a break. They wish to take time off and have a chance to reconnect with themselves--without guilt.


WOMEN AND MIDLIFE
Women and men tend to manifest this issue differently. Women tend to burn out on nurturing. As women, we are conditioned to nurture everyone else first and IF there is time left over then we give ourselves permission to nurture ourselves.

I consider this behavior the perfect recipe for chronic illness and breast cancer. So many of the women who show up in my office are on the verge of physical breakdown in a big way because they have burned themselves out on taking care of everyone else. Illness seems to be the only way women can give themselves permission to rest. When we are sick, it is sanctioned that we rest.

Guilt keeps women from taking the self-care they need until it is too late and they have collapsed with illness.

MEN AND MIDLIFE
For men, it seems to be a different variation of the same theme. Culturally, we don't think of men as being necessarily nurturing. But we don't realize that many, many men have given up their dreams in order to work and provide for families. In many ways, I believe that men are more stuck than women are. It is very difficult for men who still usually bring in the bulk of financial support to make changes in their lifestyles or even career choices to bring them into alignment with their passion and purpose. The responsibility for taking care of their family can be overwhelming and paralyzing.

Women are better at reaching out to others and finding ways to discuss their burnout and sorrows. Men tend to stuff feelings inside and internalize them until they come boiling out in anger or sneak out as depression. I often see men engage in significant risk-taking behavior in order to stimulate themselves into feeling alive again.

Again, guilt keeps men from making the daring and radical choices to change their lifestyles.

Of course, this is a broad generalization and somewhat gender-biased in description. Both men and women can express either of these themes. This is just a description of the trends that I am observing in my clients.


GUILT
The biggest challenge that I see to changing these damaging patterns is overcoming guilt. We are so conditioned to put ourselves last and martyr ourselves to those we love. But what do we lose when we give up ourselves in the name of others?

When we sacrifice ourselves, we are depleting ourselves of vital resources that enable us to take care of others in a much healthier way. When we give up ourselves for work or care, we run out of energy to give. What we end up giving becomes conditional and even full of resentment and spite. How many times have we lashed out at loved ones because we resent what they are asking of us? How many times have we snapped at loved ones just because we are tired and have nothing left to give, even when they have asked for very little?

When we nurture others and deplete ourselves, our motives for nurturing become polluted. We start looking to others to be grateful and perhaps even nurture us in exchange. How disappointed are we when we don't get the same level of appreciation and nurturing back? But how can we expect to receive from others what we are unwilling to give to ourselves?

When we can give ourselves permission to take care of ourselves first, we end up creating personal resources that exponentially expand our capacity to turn around and nurture others. How much more energy, love and joy would you have for taking care of someone if you had all your own self-care needs met?


SHARPEN THE SAW
Stephen Covey, in his book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" (an excellent book that I recommend highly), says that we must first sharpen the saw of our life in order to be most effective in what we create and do. If you try to cut wood with a dull saw it makes your job a lot harder and takes longer. If, instead, you sharpen your saw before you use it, cutting wood becomes easier and faster. In the long run you save cutting time by taking a little time at the beginning to sharpen the saw.

Can you commit to "sharpening the saw" of your life?

Here is an exercise for you to try. Take the next two weeks and keep a journal of everything that you do in your life. Make note of how much time you spend taking care of others and your work and how much time you spend taking care of yourself. I promise you this will be an interesting adventure.

After you complete this exercise, evaluate all that you are doing and ask yourself if it is necessary. Can you eliminate some of your activities to make more room for yourself? Pay attention to any guilt that comes up and use EFT (The Emotional Freedom Techniques) to clear it. (For more information about how to use EFT click here: http://joyfulmission.com/joyful_mission_00000d.htm

The next vital step in creating time for yourself is to schedule your time for yourself into your life BEFORE you schedule anything else in. Make appointments with yourself. Keep them with the same level of responsibility as you would for appointments with clients, your loved ones or work.

Imagine that all your relationships in your life are ranked in a stair-step fashion, like a pyramid. If you put your relationship with yourself on the bottom step, the foundation of the pyramid, how much more stable will your pyramid be? When you are taking care of yourself first, you will find that you become a better parent, worker, friend, lover, or family member. When you are healthy and strong and protecting yourself, you will feel more inclined to turn around and give to others without conditions.

I invite you to try it! Isn't it more fun to think of having time for yourself (a "gown day" perhaps) than to spend your self-care time battling strep throat, breast cancer or a heart attack?

The Age of Martyrdom is over. I decree it!

Won't you join me?

Take care of yourselves!

Love,

Karen

"Joy is sometimes a blessing, but it is often a conquest. Our magic moment helps us to change and sends us off in search of our dreams. Yes, we are going to suffer, we will have difficult times, and we will experience many disappointments - but all of this is transitory; it leaves no permanent mark. And one day we will look back with pride and faith at the journey we have taken." -Paulo Coelho