WAGING PEACE,
You Are Never Mad for the Reasons You Think You Are

Hi!

Recently I sent out the first in a series of articles about anger. Several of you were concerned that perhaps I had lost my positive focus. Rest assured, I am still looking up.

Anger is not a fun issue. Most of us feel uncomfortable with some of our emotions, especially the ones we consider to be negative. Emotional energy has a full spectrum of expression. Emotions carry important messages for us. When we are emotionally uncomfortable, our feelings are communicating to us that something in our life needs to be looked at.

Strong emotions can be like a small pebble in your shoe. Every time you take a step, you feel something hurting you. You can keep walking, and perhaps walk a little more on the side of your foot so as not to directly feel the full impact of the pebble in your shoe. But, eventually, you are going to have to stop and give that pebble some attention or you’re really going to hurt your foot.

As I mentioned in my last newsletter, when we are angry, we are not usually upset for the reasons we think we are. Our anger is announcing to us that there is a deeper issue that is demanding attention. Perhaps you are tired. Maybe you have some old resentments that have not been honestly addressed. You might be feeling insecure, afraid or hurt.

RELATIONSHIPS AND EMOTIONS
So, if you aren’t mad for the reasons that you think you are, then how do you figure out why you are really mad? Relationships offer us the gift of triggering our old issues and wounds and give us the opportunity to heal our wounds by understanding our reactions.

Relationships can help you understand your deeper motivations. Many times we react and project our own fears and issues from our past into our relationships.

For example, you may not have done well in school as a child and may feel that your academic failure was a cause of your not having a good enough job now. Consequently, as a parent, you may be very rigid in forcing and power struggling with your children about getting them to do their homework.

OLD WOUNDS AND CONDITIONING
Most of our old wounds are fear-based. Because many of us were raised in authoritarian families and attended authoritarian institutions, we learned that our behaviors might be punished, rewarded or judged.

As a result of punishment, reward or judgment and our juvenile perception of the world, we develop certain core beliefs about ourselves that we carried into adulthood. These core beliefs can be the sources of our rage.

We can also, of course also have experiences as adults that help anchor these beliefs deep into our consciousness.

RAGE TRIGGERS
Alcoholics Anonymous says that alcoholics are more likely to drink when they are hungry, angry, lonely and tired (HALT). I believe that the same holds true for intense emotional reactions. We are more likely to rage when we are hungry, angry, lonely, tired, stressed, depressed or if we have a self-care deficit.

Think about it! It is so easy for us to fall into these conditions on a regular basis. We used to live in extended communities with families and friends. Now many of us live alone or in communities where we feel disconnected and unsupported. Many of us are tired, burned-out, lonely and don’t have enough time to nourish ourselves, our relationships and friendships.

Reflect on this a moment. How much time in your day is spent connecting with others in a deep and meaningful way? Do you have at least three deep friendships that nourish and support you?

Meaningful connections and support are crucial for helping you heal and manage big feelings.

THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF-CARE
Can you honestly say that you had had enough time on a regular basis to nurture and nourish your body and your soul? Taking care of yourself in the basic foundation for good parenting, healthy relationships and happiness. If you have a tendency to rage and you are not regularly and religiously taking care of yourself then your are slowly growing an ugly self-care deficit. How can you nourish others if your own resources are empty and dry?

You MUST take care of yourself in order to parent effectively. You must take care of yourself to be a good spouse. You must take EXTRA good care of yourself if you are healing rage issues.

Right now list five things that you will do this week to take care of yourself, Commit to doing these things and asking for the support you need to make this happen,

EMOTIONAL PATTERNS
In addition to taking better care of yourself, I am going ask you to note when you experience intense emotional reactions. By writing down your emotional reactions and the situations that precipitated them, you will begin to see patterns in your behavior.

You may find that you react more at certain times of the day. Maybe you’re hungry and you need a mid-afternoon snack as part of your daily routine. You may find that a specific event makes you lose it.

For example, after noticing some of my emotional reactions, I found that I raged when it was time for me to leave the house and be somewhere on time. My irrational fear of being late was making me into a crazy woman.

After noticing this pattern in myself, I recalled that my Dad HATED to be late anywhere and would be very upset with us if we were late.

When I was able to put this memory together with my current raging situation my extreme fear of being late began to make sense to me. I also realized that getting ready to go somewhere was a triggering event for me. My new insight helped me to proactively handle getting ready on time.

I visualized myself staying calm, even when my hands were clenched and my stomach was churning. I knew that I had to be very organized and prepared if I was going to get somewhere on time. I did a lot more planning and preparing so that I wouldn’t be scrambling at the last minute to get out the door on time.

I also prayed before I even started the getting ready process so that I surrendered my control over the situation to God and I could divorce myself from the outcome. My new attitude is that “we get there when we get there.”

Recognizing your rage triggers will allow you to act proactively. With your children, you can discipline rather than react to their behavior. With your relationships you can honestly address issues before they happen and have a joint plan about how you will tackle these issues as they come up.

Begin to notice your reactions this week. Don’t beat yourself up if you don’t like what you see. Recognizing behavior you want to change is the first step to making change!

Next week we will talk about the role of the conscious, subconscious and unconscious mind in processing emotional reactions.

Take good care of yourselves!

Love,
Karen