Parents,

Do this quick exercise. Make a list of the five most important relationships in your life. When you finish, rank these relationships in order of importance.

Are you anywhere on your own list? If so, where did you rank yourself?

The first time I did this exercise, I was surprised to find that I didn’t even make the list. To be honest, it didn’t even occur to me to put myself anywhere on the list. And I was proud of all the people on my list whose welfare I was at least partially responsible for. I am so nice, I concluded about myself.

Nice, Schmice. I was not nearly as nice as I thought I was. Yes, I put my kids and my husband first on my list, in that order. But was I really being nice when I yelled at them because I was tired? Was I really being nice when I tired to use guilt so that they would “appreciate” all the nice things I did for them? Oh, and wasn’t I nice when I fed them McDonald’s because I was too burned-out to cook a decent meal and then complained because I had spent too much money on junk food and had to pick up the little plastic toy to boot?

Hmmmmmm!

I’ll be honest with you. I am the queen of burn-out. I was raised to take care of everyone else first, and then take care of myself with whatever was left over. I was actually able to pull this off for quite a while until I had my third child in four years. Somewhere in the middle of diapering lots of little behinds, endless nights of nursing, toilet training, working, keeping the bathrooms clean and trying to cook food that EVERYONE would eat, I lost myself. It was at this point that I went off the deep end. I will spare you all the details but the end result was that I almost destroyed my marriage and lost my mind.

But, I learned a lot.

After a lot of painful introspection, I realized that I had built up years of a self-care deficit. I had spent so much of my time and energy taking care of my loved ones, but virtually no time taking care of myself. Yet, I was the bedrock upon which the foundation for my family was resting. By neglecting myself and my own deep needs for renewal and nourishment, I was eroding the stability of my family structure.

I was a tired, grumpy, out of shape woman. I had little to bring to my marriage. I didn’t feel attractive or beautiful so how could I even believe that my husband wanted to be with me? Because we had ignored our marriage, my husband I were not an effective parenting team and the children knew intuitively how to divide and conquer us. Because my children were acting out, I couldn’t get my work done and my business suffered. Because my business suffered, I put more hours into it and took even less time for myself creating a vicious cycle of suffering for everyone.

I was definitely not nice!!

So, I made a commitment to myself that I would take care of myself first. I wish I could say that was the end of the story. Of course, it wasn’t. I wasn’t prepared for how hard it was to take care of myself first. I was overwhelmed with guilt and resentful of my husband because he made it seem so easy to just go do something to nurture his self! Why was it that he could just leave the house while I had to cook, clean, make lists, prepare the children, etc. etc. etc. before I could leave the house? Learning to let go and trust were hard lessons to learn. Seeing that everything was going to be just fine without me for a few hours was very was difficult. I also had to realize that my husband had a different way of dealing with the kids while I was gone and if they had watermelon and Oreos for dinner they would live until the next day. In fact, the more the kids got used to Dad being in charge, the more they WANTED me to leave!!!

In the beginning, I would often do inappropriate self-care as a way of getting out of the guilt of really nurturing myself. I used junk food as a great way to avoid taking good care of myself. Instead of doing something good for my body, like yoga, I would justify eating ice cream or chocolate as a way of taking care of myself. Oh yes, the ice cream was a lot easier but ultimately, it did nothing to nourish my soul, only my thighs…

I am much better at taking care of myself these days. I have learned to recognize the symptoms of burnout and take preventative action before I go down that route again. I consciously plan my self-care each week. I make dates with myself and keep them religiously. But, it still doesn’t seem like a natural process for me. I still have to use EFT to overcome the guilt and the resentment that sometimes builds up. Using EFT has given me the power to overcome my mental and emotional limitations that keep me from
nurturing myself first.

If you are feeling burned out on parenting, I encourage you to evaluate what beliefs you have that may be keeping you from taking care of yourself first. Listed below are some common beliefs that keep parents from taking care of themselves first:

I don’t have enough time to take care of myself.
I feel guilty leaving the kids.
I wouldn’t know what to do by myself.
I’ll take care of myself later. I’ll feel better if I just get a little work done first.
Going to the grocery store is kind of like a break…
I can’t afford to take care of myself.

These are just a few examples, most of them taken straight from my very own experience. These limiting beliefs keep us from loving ourselves the way we deserve to be loved. Every one of these limiting beliefs can be addressed and removed with EFT so that you can JOYFULLY take care of yourself the way you deserve and NEED, to take care of yourself.



Try the following setups and see how they address your self-care issues:


Even though I feel guilty leaving the kids, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.
Even though I don’t think I deserve to go out to a movie, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I believe that I don’t have time to take care of myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I don’t think I can afford to take care of myself, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though I know that the house will be a mess when I get back, and that scares me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though my mother never modeled self-care for me, I deeply and completely love and accept myself.

Even though it is hard for me to take care of myself first, I now choose to grant myself full permission to guiltlessly and joyfully take care of myself and nurture my mind, body and spirit because I know that it is in the highest good for everyone I love, including myself!


Tap on any resistance you may have! Nurturing yourself first is the greatest gift you can give yourself, your marriage, your children and even your work. Go on! Take yourself on a date! You’ll thank yourself later!

Have fun!

Karen

Karen Curry